Months Later

Months later...

I've broken up with my boyfriend. Apparently, he really isn't worth it. The poor guy though, after I broke up with hi, was so devastated and desperate that he slept with a guy his best friend had slept with, and slept with a friend of his who is in a relationship.

So that means he really isn't taking things well.

I on the other hand, have dated also. Dated a guy who was around 41 years old. At first, it was okay. We were going out almost everyday, we were having so much fun in bed. Until three words slipped out of my mouth while having sex with him. I LOVE YOU. This is so funny, but the bastard ran away. I didn't hear from him, until I posted something on Facebook wherein I stated:

People get scared when told, "I love you." These people are cowards and have no balls, lose them. And no, the let's be friends crap is, well, bull.

The statement, though, wasn't really for him. It was for this other guy that I was seeing. He's turning 39 this April. He really knew how to make ligaw. For an entire week, he made ma hatid-sundo. That was until three words slipped out of my mouth again. I LOVE YOU. I haven't seen him again since then.

You know what, there's something wrong with the Ateneans from the older batches. They are so afraid of putting themselves out there. I am tired of the dating scene. Really. Whatever fucked up thing happened to your generation, I am so not going to date anybody below batch 1996 from Ateneo anymore. 

Perfect news though, I am so excited to spend Valentine's Day with my new boy. He's younger. He is 24 years old, still immature, but the thing about younger boys is, you get to train them, and mold them into whomever you want them to be. It's a huge responsibility though, because we're talking about somebody's future here. 

I know I love him. He's still rough around the edges, and there are so many things that he needs to learn still. But generally, he's going to get there. 

Waking Up From Nightmares

I haven't been able to write lately on the blog because I've been so busy writing a novel.

Yes, I am writing a novel. I started a month ago. My boss commented that my first-world problems could be the plot of a movie, and that made me think. Movies sometimes are not taken seriously, but books, these are immortal.

The novel I am writing centers around me, Cityboy, and my boyfriend. I am honestly not sure how it ends, because the story is still ongoing. Right now, my boyfriend seems to be the supporting character who might get trampled on in the end, but who knows.

I've been waking up from nightmares recently. This past week, I would wake up in the middle of the night, and not be able to go back to sleep.

I woke up from a nightmare again today. Cityboy was in my dream.

I don't know what he feels about me, in the dream. He seems to take me for granted, in the dream. In the dream, I get a sense of yearning, of wanting to be with him. In the dream, I am in love with him.

I am in love with him, I know that. He makes me want to take care of him. He seems lost, and confused. He's young. I want to nurture him, but I don't know how to do it because I have always been the one on the receiving end of that type of love.

You always end up with the person who doesn't fit your ideal, my mother told me that. She preferred chinito mestizo men, and she ended up with my dad.

I prefer stocky guys, who are older, in a sense more mature than I am, because I want to be "babied". I am the eldest in my family, and I always had to be responsible, so I wanted someone to be responsible for me.

Its different with Cityboy. He's tall, lean bordering on muscular. He looks very young, and he's a bit on the immature and stubborn side. And yet, he constantly plagues my dreams. At work he's there all of the time, ready to offer a smile. The way he looks at me, makes me want to melt. The stolen glances he would give me during meetings, these make me want to hide under the conference table. The way he "accidentally" brushes himself against me, and I try to get away from that accidental "touch" only for him to lean in closer.

Is he straight, is he gay? He claims to have a girlfriend, and I was holding his iPhone for him one time when a message from "Hun" came in. So I told him that "hun" was looking for him and that he should leave me already, and he just replies, "Hayaan mo na yun. Okay lang." I won't even dismiss my boyfriend that easily.

I am ranting now, because a couple of weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend because I was so confused. Last night, I committed myself to him.

It is not a marriage yet, but I committed that I will stay with him for the rest of my life, through thick and thin, whatever comes along the way. Like I said before, Cityboy was, or is still, a crossroad. I had to ask myself which path I should take? Do I take the road less traveled? Will it really make all the difference?

I am scared. I am scared of breaking a heart, I am scared of breaking my own heart, I am scared of forcing a heart to love me.

I Cannot Love You

I cannot love you because I love someone else.

Stop the way you’re eyes linger

And steal glances towards my direction

As each time you do, i shiver with fervor

But I will not love you.

I cannot love you for I cannot quiver

As often as I do when I hear your voice

Assured, confident and yet turning to a whisper

As you tell me that I owe you

When I owe nothing but shame at what I might feel.

I cannot love you for I have given my heart

To the person who will care for it the most

Even if I cannot love him with as much fire

As the passion that you incite in me

With each note, with each touch.

I cannot love you.

I will not love you.

Yet I already do.

Puedo Escribir Los Versos

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche. Escribir, por ejemplo : 'La noche está estrellada, y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos'. El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta. Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche. Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso. En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos. La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito. Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería. Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos. Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche. Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido. Oir la noche immensa, más inmensa sin ella. Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío. Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla. La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo. Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos. Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido. Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca. Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo. La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos arboles. Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos. Ya no la quiero, es cierto pero cuánto la quise. Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído. De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos. Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos. Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero. Es tan corto al amor, y es tan largo el olvido. Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos, mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido. Aunque ésta sea el último dolor que ella me causa, y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo. In English: Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example, 'The night is shattered, and the blue stars shiver in the distance.' The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes? Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her, And the verse falls to the snow like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. That night is shattered and she is not with me.  This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight searches for her as though to go to her. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that is certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before. Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes, I no longer love her, that is certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer, and these the last verses that I write for her.

I Run

borrowed from coasthillsrunningclub.com

I run.

Physically I run, but it is a manifestation of how I want to deal with issues of the heart as well. I am falling for Cityboy. So today, I decided to go out of the condo to run.

I've done this before. When I tried getting over the guy in my life from HS, I ran around the academic oval in UP. I ran almost everyday. There weren't any iPods back then, so I took joy in the ambient noise of the jeeps and cars passing by. There were times when I would bring a Discman to listen to music to help me think. I ran until the ache in my heart was replaced by the aching of muscles, and the immense sweat build up.

I forgot him.

I had to run also today, because of Cityboy. I'm not in love with him, I can't fall in love with him.

I went out of the safe haven of my condominium complex, and ran. There was no direction this time. I went straight, turned left at a corner then crossed the street. I found myself in the most unusual place. It was at the back area of my condo, right at the back of the business district, but it had turned residential. It was an old Makati that had turned into disarray. It was a Makati that was different from the side that I was used to, the side I worked in, the side I lived in. There were sari-sari stores, and cars parked on the streets.

He lived here. My feet brought me to the area where the man I was running away from lived. Having realized that, my eyes went searching for his car, for fear that I would end up in front of his house.

I wanted to get out and I ran away from that place. But I got lost. I was lost in that area, and I was afraid that one wrong turn and I would be face to face with him. My iPod was on, and the music blaring into my ears spoke of love, and it didn't help that I was trying so hard to teach my heart that it's a crime to fall in love with him.

He lived here. The place scared me. He lived there and it scared me that although it was also Makati, it is quite different from what I'm used to.

That's when it hit me. We're different.

I am with my boyfriend because we are alike in ways that would make our relationship easier to manage. We come from the same background. Our parents have about the same amount of businesses and savings. We both studied in Ateneo and ended up in UP Diliman. Cityboy studied in San Beda from GS to college.

My parents have a house in Ayala Heights, and a newly purchased house in New Manila, and they purchased a condo for me in the heart of Makati. My boyfriend lives in Ayala Heights also.

And Cityboy lived in that area that scared me.

I drove a 2010 black Pajero, and my boyfriend recently purchased a pearl white 2012 Pajero to match my car.

Its so easy for us to concentrate on our relationship because we have everything other people try so hard to work for. We just have to work on us.

If that's the case, then why did I end up along Metropolitan Avenue in Makati, with a view of my condo and Cityboy's area in the back. I stopped, and I was about to cry from the exhaustion of trying to find my way back home, yet I did not know if I wanted to head back home or to stay lost.

I went back up to the condo, but headed straight to the pool. I took a quick shower, and proceeded to the pool. I floated on my back and looked up at the sky. It had turned dark, but the sky was clear. I made sure my ears were under water so that I could hear the ripples of the pool. I went out of the pool and took a pool chair, put my iPod back on and stared at the sky.

I was there for a good hour, when I realized my head had cleared up already.

I love my life, and will not give up who and what I am to be with him.

I will stop texting him, and will only email him when necessary. I will work to fix my endorsements and look forward to being transferred to a different property, far from him. I will not work with him anymore. I will not stay in the same office as he.

I love my life and I will keep it.

Rush

Yikes! I never thought my blog's title could actually turn into an actual reality!

The song I have for everyone today is Blackstreet's In A Rush.


It came over me in a rush that I realized that I love you so much and sometimes I cry but I can't tell you why I feel what I feel inside. 

It happens. You just wake up and you're in love with someone, while you're still with somebody else.

I think I'm in love with Cityboy. All it took was for him to send me a couple of silly text messages. Am I that easy?

I was up until 12AM last night because we were sending each other messages.

This is crazy. I barely know him. He isn't even cute. I don't even know if he's gay. He just talks softly, and like a kid.

I hate this.

Cityboy

So after having come back from Singapore a couple of weeks back, and after lamenting over the miniscule bump on my iPad because of the horrid baggage handling in Changi Airport, I thought I was going to be able to forget Nat, my Mr. Weekend in New England.

Guess what, another guy comes into my life.

I mean, he didn't literally just pop in, he's actually been there, but I wasn't minding him. He's a new employee in the office. He's one of the Finance Managers of my company, so I work hand in hand with him to ensure that the finances of the department assigned to me are in order.

I just realized last Friday evening that his text messages are kinda iffy. What I mean is, we've barely known each other for a couple of months and he sends me the oddest text messages.

For all intensive purposes, let us hide this mystery guy under the code name Cityboy.

Let me transcribe our messages for you:

ME: 
When is she coming back? Tell her I will pick her up just so we could meet regarding this issue.

CITYBOY: 
Hahaha, Tonight balik niya. When are you going to be transferred to a different property?

ME: 
I know, I know, I'm being too makulit about this and there's nothing you wouldn't want more than for me to be transferred to a different property. Unfortunately my papers for the transfer have not yet been transferred yet. The Board of the other property hasn't even received my resume yet. 


CITYBOY:
Sayang. Hehe. No I'm not asking you to leave. I'm just wondering who would take your place handling this area when you're gone. 

The following is a transcript of the odd text exchange we had last Friday:

ME:
When are you available so we can schedule talking about the billing and other things?


CITYBOY:
Tuesday, after our 9AM meeting.


ME: So that's 1:00PM?


CITYBOY:
We can have it right after.


ME: 
Over lunch? We usually finish that meeting at around 12:00-12:30PM. (Me aghast that he doesn't even want to take a lunch break before proceeding to the next meeting.)


CITYBOY:
Depends if we can have lunch, let's ensure to finish this on Tuesday.


ME: (realizing he might have thought I was inviting him for lunch)
Oh, no, no, the question was meant to denote that after the meeting is lunch, and not a lunch invitation. Anyway, let's finalize this on Monday so that we can start having a semblance of a weekend. I'm sure you've had a long day also. I just got to Dusit from the office for a dinner party, and I was held up not by traffic but by work. 


CITYBOY:
Having experienced you drive, good to know your (sic) safe. hehe.


ME: (upset because I was offended by his statement)
Oh that's bad, are you saying I'm a bad driver? I got into a car accident twice in my life, and I wasn't driving both times. So to answer you, I am not a bad driver. Nonetheless, my parents are buying me a new car so you don't worry that I wreck my Pajero. 


CITYBOY:
Haha. O well, at least for me, never been hit nor hit anyone. Im always safe. Except when I'm texting while driving or when sleepy. hahaha.


ME: (Realizing how awkward the conversation is turning.)

I had to attend a meeting with him this morning and I was trying so hard to ignore him. I actually felt so glad when my boss asked me to sit at the other end of the board room table.

Honestly, I could see him stealing glances from me.

We had lunch afterwards, and I was insistent that I needed to sit next to him to discuss the pending matter that we had texted about last Friday.

I was there to discuss work, but my boss was saying that she noticed he was all googly-eyed with me.

We had another meeting afterwards, and when he was about to leave, he was saying goodbye to everyone, and I didn't bid him goodbye. He had another longing look for me.

This guy is supposed to be straight. Allegedly he has a girlfriend. Then why do I feel as if he's hitting on me? And for the record, I don't like him. I'm not all kinikilig when my officemates are making him asar to me. I'm actually natatawa. 

Honestly, with the guys that are coming my way, I feel like I'm stuck in high school.