This Blog Isn't What You Think

borrowed from Psychcentral.com

So the title of the blog can be a little bit misleading. If you chanced upon this because you thought I was going to post actual confessions of philandering moments in my life, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

This is for my own consumption really, but if you want to join me in my journey to be whole again, I'm cool with it. Shrinks aren't really an option here in the Philippines. The only time you go see one is if you have to be heading towards the basement of Makati Med. But there are just so many things going on in my head right now, that I need to let out, and I don't know anybody who'd be able to understand.

You see, I'm trapped in my thoughts. Give me a quiet moment all to myself, and I get consumed by my mind. So many things just pop up, randomly. What I hate the most is if the random thought that comes to mind is something that I have tried to hide for so long; the hurts that have crushed to the point when I feel as if I'm hopeless, and beyond saving.

Blame it on Ateneo for creating a monster. This all started when I was in high school anyway. My thoughts went haywire during that time.

The truth is, I am broken. I woke up today, and while watching Grey's Anatomy Season 5, I realized I'm broken. The bad experiences I have had left me broken. Untrusting. Perhaps incapable of opening up to anybody. Maybe afraid to love. People have cheated me, have cheated on me, and now I am left cheating myself because I only realize now that I am so emotionally scarred, I'm exhausted of breathing already.

I want to pick up the pieces and start fixing myself. Because I don't want to cheat myself. Because I don't my want to cheat my partner. He deserves all of me. And not just the pieces that are good, but all of me.

Oh, there you have it. Its because of love. Now you want to turn away and revert back to the previous blog you were reading. No it's not about love, and yes it is. I need to do this for my boyfriend. But more importantly, I need to do this for myself.

It's 6:30PM, and I'm looking out the window of the condo watching the cars pass by Ayala Avenue. It took more than a decade for me to reach this point. And nobody knows that I'm hurt. Because when people see me in the office, they think everything is perfect with me, that I seem to have everything. And when I'm with my family, I am just the best son, the strong one. And when I'm with my boyfriend, I am his soulmate. And sometimes, I even convince myself of these concepts when I see me in the mirror.

I'm done denying. I am broken. So many people have broken me. And I refuse to stay broken. I'm done cheating the people around me. I'm done cheating my family. I'm done cheating my boyfriend. So this is me, fixing me.